Brendan is growing up. He changes so much, so fast – and I know that will continue to be the trend. He seems like such a big boy to me. I look back at the pictures of the little lump curled up around my neck and it seems so far away. This weekend we were out shopping at DSW – which, by the way, seems to be the ultimate playground for crawlers. Looooong, straight, carpeted rows – wide enough for people to be trying on shoes and still not be bothered by babies and parents scampering by. There isn’t any ‘trouble’ to get into other than riffling through a few boxes, and there are huge floor to ceiling mirrors mounted on immovable cement pillars. And of course there are the little shoe stools which are the perfect height for practicing your standing – and also happen to have a mirror in the perfect spot for checking yourself out while you’re up there. Anyway, Brendan was on the move when a nice woman stopped to talk to us. She was gushing over him and telling me how much she loved babies and to ENJOY it because they grow up so fast. I was sitting there thinking, ‘I know – just look how big he is!”. Then she introduced me to her eleven year old son. And I know, I know, I know… Brendan is still little. He may not be the smooshy little lump he used to be – but he is still a BABY. And he will keep growing. And some day I will remember these times of crawling through DSW and exclaim at just how LITTLE he was. I delight in all of him that is new, but every day there are more things he outgrows. And as much as I am in awe of the new, I miss the things he leaves behind. I know the lists of new joys, and the lists of things he has left behind will only grow longer. And even this woman’s eleven year old will seem like just a ‘baby’ some day when he is driving, or walking down the aisle, or presenting this woman with her very first grandchild. As if Brendan somehow knew what I was thinking, he spent the rest of the shopping trip wanting to be held, with his arms perfectly wrapped around my neck. Rob and I happily passed him back and forth – not caring if our arms were tired, but just enjoying being a family out doing ordinary things, on an ordinary Sunday. Feeling that little body purposefully snuggle in is even better that a smooshy little lump who has no choice but to snuggle with his Mama.
And here I am once again relearning the same lesson that I seem to have to keep learning. ENJOY. Don’t worry about it, just enjoy. Slow down. Let the other stuff on the to do list just sit there while I soak in all the happiness that is Brendan – that is my life. Who cares if the cookies for the teachers weren’t my best because I was chasing my son down the hall. Who cares if the scrapbook pages aren’t as intricate as they might have been once upon a time. Who cares if rather than being the one to do nice things for friends and family and neighbors, that I am the one doing so very much grateful receiving. Maybe it’s okay to just soak it up for a while.
I believe there is an ebb and flow with everything in life. I frequently talk to my group at work about this – that we can’t always be putting out big software packages that change the world, that we can’t always be at 100% productivity every single day. That sometimes you need to put out a huge effort, and then take some time supporting it, nurturing it, taking care of yourself after an extended period of effort. Without an “ebb” to your “flow” you will burn yourself out. Both are equally important parts of the whole.
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So maybe I need to give myself permission to ebb – because the part that is getting the very best of me is not only the most important thing – but he will never again be the same little person that he is right this second. And I already know that the one regret I will ever feel, no matter how much time I spend with him, is that I didn’t spend more.
Shortest video ever, but I’ve watched it at least 50 times today.