I’m home sick today. And walking back from dropping Brendan off at school, I realized that as a little girl I could never remember a time where my Mom was resting because she was sick. Or for that matter, I can’t remember many times where my Mom was sitting down and resting at all. I can already hear her response reading this: “Nooooo that’s not true!” then she will tell me three whole times where she was sick or actually sat down, and she won’t appreciate the irony that she can actually NAME the few times these things happened because they were such rare occurrences. My Mom is an expert at giving her life for others. Selfless acts of service and devotion are her gift – not only to those she loves, but to everyone in her life. She is 83 years old, and still when she visits my house, she is the one to make us dinner. Even if I convince her to let me make dinner (or to get take-out…) she refuses to sit down and rest – she wants to help. She NEEDS to help. I appreciate this so much, I really do. Having my Mom for a Mom is a gift I cannot even begin to explain. And her kind of love is so unconditional and all encompassing that there my heart has always felt full. As a mother now myself, I realize that I love my son in this way too. Unconditionally and all encompassing. And whether by nature or nurture, I am wired toward “service” as one of the main ways I show my love. This roughly translates into the thought that the more I love, the more I should do for those I love. My Mom has set a bar here that I will never meet, let alone exceed. But I also realize that more than anything, my wish for my Mom would be to relax sometimes – to let people take care of HER for a change. Or even better – to take care of herself, because there is nobody better equipped to know what she needs. One of my very favorite things my Mom ever did was when she made a raisin pie. I love this because there wasn’t a party or event my parents were attending, and my Dad cannot stand raisins. My Mom, who makes pies for everyone else in the world, finally made a pie just for herself – because SHE loves raisin pie! This is one of the few things I can ever remember my Mom doing just for herself – and I believe she was in her late 70’s when she made this raisin pie. Again, she will say I’m exaggerating, but there aren’t many.
So as a mother, I’m trying to balance between doing for my family, doing for others, and doing for myself. Sometimes taking care of myself might mean one of my favorite indulgences like getting a massage. But I’m looking for smaller opportunities as well – like going to bed early to read, or carving time out of the day to do a craft project just for fun, or sitting down in the backyard to enjoy my coffee – even though there are a million other things that need doing. I know I function better when I have a little quiet and solitude in each day – where can I find those moments? As I have been considering this, sometimes just an attitude of self care can make a difference – being open to opportunities in the things I’m already doing: why do I face my cutting board toward the wall when I could face it toward the window? Why do I save my snuggliest sweatshirt instead of enjoying it? Why can’t I treat myself to one of my favorite coffees as I drive into work? Do I really have to be multitasking or making a to do list in my head – or can I truly just be in the moment? It’s challenging – and I can’t say I had the best role model for self care growing up.
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I know my Mom and I feel the same in this respect: doing things for the people we love is our greatest joy. But I also try and remember what the wise airplane people tell us about oxygen masks: that you need to put yours on first, so that you are better able to assist those traveling with you. If I am frazzled, I’m not the best Mom or wife or friend or boss that I can be. As much as I can, I want to model for Brendan a life full of service and hard work and all kinds of activity, as well as a life where he can breathe deeply and enjoy relaxing and recharging himself so that he can live even more fully in every aspect of his life. And I’ll keep working on my Mom…